Idiot drivers and a birthday wish.

So there i am, Friday morning, walking out the door to work. Feeling pretty good despite the marine layer that was still lingering. I was having a good hair day and wardrobe day. How rare to get both on the same day and a Friday at that. i was excited to take on the day.
I get in my car and settle in for my 30 min commute to del mar. As i a approach on ramp to I5, i thought maybe i will go to the baseball game tonight. still not wanting to dress up (it was 70s night) but maybe i would go. Than i began to think, you know my hip is in pain, but i have an appt in the afternoon with my doctor to get some pain medication, what if i just did the triathlon on Sunday. i would at least have something to curb the pain when I as done and i couldn't imagine making through the weekend and not racing.
I merged across the 6 lanes to the far left (Fast lane or lane #1) when i finally found a radio station playing music, realized it was a cheezy song from Footloose so i leave the station on. As i make my way out of the downtown area, i see a vehicle swerving uncontrollably a few lanes to my right. my first thought was drunk drivers. Second thought was jack ass kids swerving back in forth in the lane 'as a show of frustration' to the driver ahead of the them to speed up. I realized that it was not like the latter as they continued to swerve uncontrollably in the lane and move one to the left, than another to the left. now the car was next to me, i didn't think i could speed up and make it past the car so i slowed down. when the car swerved into my lane perpendicular to me i tried to pull towards the left shoulder, which did not have much room and a cement wall when the car struck my front bumber. So ended the good hair day and wardrobe day.
once both of cars came to a stop, i am happy to report we all walked out of our vehicles and ok. the police came, they shut down I 5, that had to piss off a few morning commuters, so we could cross the freeway safely and they escorted us to an exit where we did the questioning etc.

So here i sit, curled up on the couch, heating pad under my neck - seems to be better than ice at this point and still experiencing severe pain from my hip at times. EVery second i am trying to hold back tears, not only from the pain i feel when i try to move my neck, but also from the situation i am in and how i seem to be losing myself minute by minute.
The only time i truly feel myself and at ease is on my bike. I dont know when that day is going to come next. i may have to have surgery on my hip - until that point need to find a way to manage the pain more effectively. this whole freaking neck thing is pissing me off as well. At least with the hip, could manage that, i understood it - sure maybe i was a catalyst on making it worse again through the ironman. but it is me to blame and if i want to ride and know that i will suffer when i am done, again i have myself to thank.
now....this neck bullshit - who do i have to thank? some woman who couldnt maintain control of her car on the freeway. i understand there are accidents and things happen, but today is a day i ask whoever is out there and watching over us...why the f' me? come on really.... i just was looking forward to racing and training through the summer. i was at a high point fromo the ironman and feeling this would be the best summer of racing for me. now thanks to some situation that i had no control over and maybe i shouldnt have been so eager to get to work early on a friday and i could have avoided the whole situation. but instead as everyone around me seems to have found a desire for a healthy kick realizing cycling and running are enjoyable, i cant join in. I dont know if i have ever been more unhappy at a time when everything in my life is finally coming together. how is this possible. Dont get me wrong i am happy within my life, but i cant help but be sad watching them pedel away this morning while i sit here. my parents recently asked me what i want for my birthday. today my answer would be, i just want to go for a bike ride. and not a 10 mile through the neighborhood. but a nice 50 or 60 miles. where you can feel the heat beating down on your back, your quads are on fire as climb through the hills and adreline is rushing on the descent. When you pull back to the house after the ride, with a salt stained face, enjoy a nice cold beer and think back to each moment of the ride and how fantastic it is to be alive.

Ironman ARIZONA

IRONMAN ARIZONA

High Volume is recommended to get the full effect!!!

The 'white' house, February 4th, passion and the Ironman

The person you see today, is a product of who I once was. Essentially we are all products of who we once were. Some of us may have worked a little harder to escape the past. I have spent years trying to escape and forget. But the questions remains for many, what was I trying to escape.
What was I trying to escape. I grew up in a good household. A little 'leave it to beaver'ish. I was a child that was either happy or sad, and everyone knew which mood I was in that day. I was raging with emotion and passion for whatever I was involved in.
I guess I was an odd child, teenager. I would describe myself as the popular fat kid and generally i think that was appropriate. By the end of my highschool career, i was able to lose that title. I think the day I stepped on the plane to germany, that title was left behind. I was so determined to become the person I felt inside. and i was able to bring her to life. What a life it was. I lived everyday like it was my last. for the next several years, I pushed every limit. I pushed everyone elses limit too. If they said no, i would push and push and until they said yes, or could at least stand up to me. Unfortnatley, not many would stand up to me, and I think i pushed a lot of people in the end, to limits, they never would have traversed had I not been around. I was reckless like most people at the age of 19. I would try anything once and many things twice. It all begain with a summer I will never forget.

While, I dont remember how it all started....i do remember how it ended.
Several of us were at the 'white' house. It was the usual summertime gathering place. On this particular night we were enjoying life to its limits when the usual fights began. This night it started with the twins. Good vs Evil. Surprised? I defended Evil. Windows were breaking, blood and glass was raining down on us. Two girls next to me began to cry. They had no idea. I think it was their first night at the 'white' house. Ames and I walked them to their car. We tried to calm them and send them on their way - encouraging them to never come back. I think they were only 17. Not that I was all that much older. But on that night, I felt like an elder in a world with a 25 yr life expectancy or so it seemed.
The Evil twin broke my heart years before. It was hard to believe I would go anywhere near him, but I did. I think it was the 'white' house and my inablity to let go. Later that month, the white house was shut down. The group disbanned. I soon learned the reality of life without the house.
My friends dwindled. My world became very lonely and everything around me seemed to dry up. I guess it was a hot july.
On one of those hot dry july nights, no one seemed to be around. A heat blast came up from the south. Everything came to a halt. It was on this night, I was driving around Pink Pitula - the usual route - lakeshore drive, evergreen park when I stopped to get some gas. Thats when we met.
My life changed forever that night. I soon began to forget about the white house and all the terror that it brought to my life. I found peace and serenity. I began to enjoy all that was around me and take advantage of what the beauty the world had to offer. I remembered what family was all about. Mind you, this was so far from any traditional sense - but I began to change once again. So the girl the evolved, loved the outdoors. Took long walks through the woods and on the beach, I would jump in the lake when the mood struck me (wait, I still do that) I went camping whenever possible and would sit back and take time to smell the flowers and enjoy the beauty all around. This was the 'new age hippie phase'
So theres a lot inbewteen then and now but I will save some of the details. They are bit too gory for public viewing. The end result of the new agae hippie was a girl pushed to her final limits. Amazingly enough, I survived. It was february 4, 1998. A wednesday night and i remember wathcing dateline about some kids in plano who were addicted to heroine. Who knew one day i would meet some of them and their friends.
That along with a few other minor details are the final memories I have of the night. I think it is probably best.
So how does this make me who i am today. As so many know - or maybe not, I live by extremes. REally bad or really good. The spring and summer of 98 I moved into an extreme really good phase. HArd to believe, on my 21st bday, i didnt drink. I went to summerfest to see james taylor - ordered a beer because I could and handed it to the person in the line behind me and walked away.
Slowly I began to bring a little bad back into my life as I came back into contact with pre-white house friends. I am amazed they stuck around and still were there when I returned to the land of the living and social.
But over margaritas with my cousin in milwaukee, I began to talk to him about what happened and the promise I made on the morning of the 5th, in shock I actually woke up.
I promised to help those around me that didnt have a choice and I Was going to do this starting with the AIDS ride. So there it is folks. the first aids ride. 1999. I didnt even own a road bike when I registered. Shortly after I bought one of course.
9 years later, I still ride and I will keep riding and begging all my friends for money until we no longer need to ride. then i will ride to celebrate!
So is it I am less passionate today then I was before. No. I channel it very differently. I think I have to. Few days go by where I dont think about how easy it could be to go back to finding another white house. Some nights I think i should. There is always a battle. It is a matter how who wins when I wake up.
So maybe the person on the outside appears so ordinary. so moderate. so middle of the road and indecisive. Its not indecision. Every day I am making a decision. Just not the normal, where to eat, what to wear, what to watch on tv. I am deciding to go to the pool, to run a few miles, or bike a few more and to never look back.
People always seem surprised that I talk openly about the past or where I have been. But so true is the statement, "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it"
The psasion that once existed in pushing people to their outer limits, pushing myself to my own limits - has now been altered - to pushing my body to its physical limitations. To conquering what only a select group of people can claim - Ironman.

Taking time to smell the flowers

I wish I could stop time. It seems to be passing to quickly lately, I have not had enough time to smell the flowers.

Beginnings, Endings, and the Inbetween

A dream last night brought back a tucked away memory. Some of you may know I was an exchange student in high school. I was lucky enough to be able to travel with my one of my close friends, and two others who quickly became close friends of mine. I believe for the first 3 or 4 months....we had so many hellos. So many days and nights of wondering what the next hour would bring. Anticipation followed us and the excitement never seemed to leave us. The last month or two we were there, focus turned to all the good-byes we would have to say. The end was drawing near, our hearts were breaking, with each good-bye. The airport scene seemed tragic as we stumbled through our final good-byes. On our flight home, we sat in silence interrupted with tears. Some how - a very random song came into our minds when we were thinking back of all the in between. We held hands and quietly sang through our tears.
Last night, I woke in the middle of the night with the lyrics stuck in my head. I began to wonder - why we keep saying hello, when we know there are goodbyes to follow, regardless of how happy the middle is. How many times can we keep saying hello with the same innocence we had at 17?

Saying goodbye, going away
Seems like goodbye is such a hard word to say
Touching a hand, wondering why
Its time for saying goodbye

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we've had
Much more to say, foolish to try,
Its time for Saying goodbye

Dont want to leave but we both know,
Sometimes its better to go
Somehow I know, we'll meet again,
Not sure quite where and I dont know just when

Your in my hear so until then,
Its time for saying goodbye,

Somehow i know, we'll meet again,
Not sure quite where I dont know just when
Your in my heart so until then
Wanna smile, Wanna Cry
Saying Goodbye........
Its time for Saying goodbye........

The Aquatic Hamster

Some days you cant look away. Rubbernecking on the freeway at an accident or firestorm 2007 coverage on TV. You want to turn your head, hell you want to run as far as you possibly can....but you cant. Not exactly sure why. Some days you find your self in places you promised you would never go again. YET....you are still sitting there, with last years t-shirt, wondering why no one else is around. Perhaps they caught the last train while you are still circling on the merry-go-round....keeping your eyes peeled for the glow in the dark necklaces.
OR possibly you keeping saying god my head hurts...and repeatedly bang it into the wall...and wonder why on earth your head is hurting.

I think I am spending too much time as an aquatic hamster these days.

Year In Review

A year in review:

January - It was a cold crazy month. I went home to take care of my mother. Friendships were tested while I was there. I found some serious inner strength as I flew home the day before the Superbowl to get the most interesting of homecomings I have ever had.

February - The warm homecoming I received at the airport, left me alone to watch the Superbowl of which i believe i fell asleep. It was the first year February 4th passed unnoticed. I didn't feel like there was much to celebrate. I took a new stand in my life and began to branch out and stand on my own two feet. I met up with some thistle owners. Was able to race a few times and we won. Always a good time. I also got the opportunity to crew on a 37ft boat. That was interesting. Also started my MBA. I guess you could say it was a busy month.

March - hmmmm do not remember much of march. Could not have been all that fantastic. I did have some visitors from WI which pissed off zed. I think it was just the entire situation. Oh well, friendship is good again, and zed seems quite content these days.

April - My first triathlon in San Diego, I would like it to be known that I had one of my best races ever and still ended up finishing in like 10th place in my age group. That was a shock to the system.

May - What happened in May - More school, training for the Baja Ironman 70.3. Really began to enjoy life again and became increasing comfortable in life and content with myself. I could once again handle being alone.

June - Was marked by finishing the Ironman 70.3, taking second in a triathlon two weeks later...which was also the race where I could feel that my hip took the last it could handle. Friendships were reformed and I was having a great time in San Diego!

July - Ah....30. It was a fantastic Birthday. For a day I thought I would be spending alone...I still smile when i think about the day. It was a truly memorable day that I will always be able to enjoy the memories. "Hello Nice people....." The end of the month was marked with a falling out at Macy's birthday.....still working on that.

August - is when the chaos started and it has not ended.....It began with the AIDS Ride, where once again - fantastic memories were made and friendships were strengthen and new ones formed. That's right, my Roadie friend I am talking about you. Somehow I managed to finish each day of the ride thanks to the Bjorn experience and the strength DA Pirate gives me. I am looking forward to Act 6! Next came the move to the new apartment. I am still amazed I managed to pull it off alone. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it through the unpacking alone. The pain in my hip was too much to take at that point, but mom was there to rescue me. She drove out from AZ and helped get me organized. hmmm could use that again actually. Who else would organize my closest by color and type of clothing. It was a difficult month between school, Aids Ride, the move, and insane amount of hip pain. I Found my way through.

September - Relief...Finally had the surgery and I thought all would be better. Turns out no one let me in on how much the recovery would take. But I managed to fight through each day - some days were easier than others. Thanks to my physical therapist, I could see hope.

October - I was settling nicely into a bitter lonely life interrupted with Anaheim visits. However, that came to close once again with the departure of some friends to Vietnam. Than the surrounding area went up in FLAMES and I began to wonder what the hell i was doing here. I survived and I found my strength coming back, I revived some other neglected friendships and was finding life to be ok again.

November - The anniversary. That's right 1 year has passed only 9 more to go before I can truly put it all behind me. The anniversary was marked in a strange way. A very unexpected night. Out for my PT's Birthday - after that much time together - it was inevitable to not become friends. But the night led me to a Wisconsin encounter I never could have anticipated in a million years. For once, I just decided to enjoy it and not over analyze anything. November also marked my first opera and roller derby bout. In the same week.

December - Looking back it hard to believe I summarize my entire year in a few paragraphs. There really was so much more that happened along the way. But these are the moments that have stuck with me through the months. As for current times. This month has only gotten better with each day. While, there are issues erupting each day around me, I am trying to stay focused on the positive. That is much easier said than done some days. However, I am continuing to believe all things in life happen for reason. Choices we've made. Decisions we have been faced with. At the end of the day, you have live with yourself. When you close your eyes, regardless of who is or is not lying next to you, are you ok with your choices. It is that very question I am facing today and trying to understand. I think we must all remember, do not ask the question if you do not want to hear the answer.

I look forward to 2008 with hope, anticipation and fear. I would like to say it is all revolved around my ironman, but there seems so much more right now as well. I cant say i know where tomorrow will take me. I try not to look to far forward, i have learned the very hard way....there is no way to know. We can plan, calculate, and formulate all the ideas we want. However, some times, the focus changes. Goals change. Utility changes. With great anticipation I look forward to crossing the finish line in AZ. I hope for my friends and family to be waiting to share in the moment. I will be graduating in may and cannot believe I only have 4 classes left, current included. Where life and 2008 will take me, I have no idea. I hope for the best. I hope my current trend of happiness and good fortune does not change.

To everyone out there, who is still reading. Thank you for your friendship. 2007 has certainly been a memorable year. West wishes to you and yours in 2008!