zedskeeper

Idiot drivers and a birthday wish.

2008-06-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

So there i am, Friday morning, walking out the door to work. Feeling pretty good despite the marine layer that was still lingering. I was having a good hair day and wardrobe day. How rare to get both on the same day and a Friday at that. i was excited to take on the day.
I get in my car and settle in for my 30 min commute to del mar. As i a approach on ramp to I5, i thought maybe i will go to the baseball game tonight. still not wanting to dress up (it was 70s night) but maybe i would go. Than i began to think, you know my hip is in pain, but i have an appt in the afternoon with my doctor to get some pain medication, what if i just did the triathlon on Sunday. i would at least have something to curb the pain when I as done and i couldn't imagine making through the weekend and not racing.
I merged across the 6 lanes to the far left (Fast lane or lane #1) when i finally found a radio station playing music, realized it was a cheezy song from Footloose so i leave the station on. As i make my way out of the downtown area, i see a vehicle swerving uncontrollably a few lanes to my right. my first thought was drunk drivers. Second thought was jack ass kids swerving back in forth in the lane 'as a show of frustration' to the driver ahead of the them to speed up. I realized that it was not like the latter as they continued to swerve uncontrollably in the lane and move one to the left, than another to the left. now the car was next to me, i didn't think i could speed up and make it past the car so i slowed down. when the car swerved into my lane perpendicular to me i tried to pull towards the left shoulder, which did not have much room and a cement wall when the car struck my front bumber. So ended the good hair day and wardrobe day.
once both of cars came to a stop, i am happy to report we all walked out of our vehicles and ok. the police came, they shut down I 5, that had to piss off a few morning commuters, so we could cross the freeway safely and they escorted us to an exit where we did the questioning etc.

So here i sit, curled up on the couch, heating pad under my neck - seems to be better than ice at this point and still experiencing severe pain from my hip at times. EVery second i am trying to hold back tears, not only from the pain i feel when i try to move my neck, but also from the situation i am in and how i seem to be losing myself minute by minute.
The only time i truly feel myself and at ease is on my bike. I dont know when that day is going to come next. i may have to have surgery on my hip - until that point need to find a way to manage the pain more effectively. this whole freaking neck thing is pissing me off as well. At least with the hip, could manage that, i understood it - sure maybe i was a catalyst on making it worse again through the ironman. but it is me to blame and if i want to ride and know that i will suffer when i am done, again i have myself to thank.
now....this neck bullshit - who do i have to thank? some woman who couldnt maintain control of her car on the freeway. i understand there are accidents and things happen, but today is a day i ask whoever is out there and watching over us...why the f' me? come on really.... i just was looking forward to racing and training through the summer. i was at a high point fromo the ironman and feeling this would be the best summer of racing for me. now thanks to some situation that i had no control over and maybe i shouldnt have been so eager to get to work early on a friday and i could have avoided the whole situation. but instead as everyone around me seems to have found a desire for a healthy kick realizing cycling and running are enjoyable, i cant join in. I dont know if i have ever been more unhappy at a time when everything in my life is finally coming together. how is this possible. Dont get me wrong i am happy within my life, but i cant help but be sad watching them pedel away this morning while i sit here. my parents recently asked me what i want for my birthday. today my answer would be, i just want to go for a bike ride. and not a 10 mile through the neighborhood. but a nice 50 or 60 miles. where you can feel the heat beating down on your back, your quads are on fire as climb through the hills and adreline is rushing on the descent. When you pull back to the house after the ride, with a salt stained face, enjoy a nice cold beer and think back to each moment of the ride and how fantastic it is to be alive.

Ironman ARIZONA

2008-04-26T09:21:00.001-07:00

IRONMAN ARIZONA

High Volume is recommended to get the full effect!!!

The 'white' house, February 4th, passion and the Ironman

2008-02-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

The person you see today, is a product of who I once was. Essentially we are all products of who we once were. Some of us may have worked a little harder to escape the past. I have spent years trying to escape and forget. But the questions remains for many, what was I trying to escape.
What was I trying to escape. I grew up in a good household. A little 'leave it to beaver'ish. I was a child that was either happy or sad, and everyone knew which mood I was in that day. I was raging with emotion and passion for whatever I was involved in.
I guess I was an odd child, teenager. I would describe myself as the popular fat kid and generally i think that was appropriate. By the end of my highschool career, i was able to lose that title. I think the day I stepped on the plane to germany, that title was left behind. I was so determined to become the person I felt inside. and i was able to bring her to life. What a life it was. I lived everyday like it was my last. for the next several years, I pushed every limit. I pushed everyone elses limit too. If they said no, i would push and push and until they said yes, or could at least stand up to me. Unfortnatley, not many would stand up to me, and I think i pushed a lot of people in the end, to limits, they never would have traversed had I not been around. I was reckless like most people at the age of 19. I would try anything once and many things twice. It all begain with a summer I will never forget.

While, I dont remember how it all started....i do remember how it ended.
Several of us were at the 'white' house. It was the usual summertime gathering place. On this particular night we were enjoying life to its limits when the usual fights began. This night it started with the twins. Good vs Evil. Surprised? I defended Evil. Windows were breaking, blood and glass was raining down on us. Two girls next to me began to cry. They had no idea. I think it was their first night at the 'white' house. Ames and I walked them to their car. We tried to calm them and send them on their way - encouraging them to never come back. I think they were only 17. Not that I was all that much older. But on that night, I felt like an elder in a world with a 25 yr life expectancy or so it seemed.
The Evil twin broke my heart years before. It was hard to believe I would go anywhere near him, but I did. I think it was the 'white' house and my inablity to let go. Later that month, the white house was shut down. The group disbanned. I soon learned the reality of life without the house.
My friends dwindled. My world became very lonely and everything around me seemed to dry up. I guess it was a hot july.
On one of those hot dry july nights, no one seemed to be around. A heat blast came up from the south. Everything came to a halt. It was on this night, I was driving around Pink Pitula - the usual route - lakeshore drive, evergreen park when I stopped to get some gas. Thats when we met.
My life changed forever that night. I soon began to forget about the white house and all the terror that it brought to my life. I found peace and serenity. I began to enjoy all that was around me and take advantage of what the beauty the world had to offer. I remembered what family was all about. Mind you, this was so far from any traditional sense - but I began to change once again. So the girl the evolved, loved the outdoors. Took long walks through the woods and on the beach, I would jump in the lake when the mood struck me (wait, I still do that) I went camping whenever possible and would sit back and take time to smell the flowers and enjoy the beauty all around. This was the 'new age hippie phase'
So theres a lot inbewteen then and now but I will save some of the details. They are bit too gory for public viewing. The end result of the new agae hippie was a girl pushed to her final limits. Amazingly enough, I survived. It was february 4, 1998. A wednesday night and i remember wathcing dateline about some kids in plano who were addicted to heroine. Who knew one day i would meet some of them and their friends.
That along with a few other minor details are the final memories I have of the night. I think it is probably best.
So how does this make me who i am today. As so many know - or maybe not, I live by extremes. REally bad or really good. The spring and summer of 98 I moved into an extreme really good phase. HArd to believe, on my 21st bday, i didnt drink. I went to summerfest to see james taylor - ordered a beer because I could and handed it to the person in the line behind me and walked away.
Slowly I began to bring a little bad back into my life as I came back into contact with pre-white house friends. I am amazed they stuck around and still were there when I returned to the land of the living and social.
But over margaritas with my cousin in milwaukee, I began to talk to him about what happened and the promise I made on the morning of the 5th, in shock I actually woke up.
I promised to help those around me that didnt have a choice and I Was going to do this starting with the AIDS ride. So there it is folks. the first aids ride. 1999. I didnt even own a road bike when I registered. Shortly after I bought one of course.
9 years later, I still ride and I will keep riding and begging all my friends for money until we no longer need to ride. then i will ride to celebrate!
So is it I am less passionate today then I was before. No. I channel it very differently. I think I have to. Few days go by where I dont think about how easy it could be to go back to finding another white house. Some nights I think i should. There is always a battle. It is a matter how who wins when I wake up.
So maybe the person on the outside appears so ordinary. so moderate. so middle of the road and indecisive. Its not indecision. Every day I am making a decision. Just not the normal, where to eat, what to wear, what to watch on tv. I am deciding to go to the pool, to run a few miles, or bike a few more and to never look back.
People always seem surprised that I talk openly about the past or where I have been. But so true is the statement, "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it"
The psasion that once existed in pushing people to their outer limits, pushing myself to my own limits - has now been altered - to pushing my body to its physical limitations. To conquering what only a select group of people can claim - Ironman.

Taking time to smell the flowers

2008-01-22T10:01:00.000-08:00

I wish I could stop time. It seems to be passing to quickly lately, I have not had enough time to smell the flowers.

Beginnings, Endings, and the Inbetween

2008-01-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

A dream last night brought back a tucked away memory. Some of you may know I was an exchange student in high school. I was lucky enough to be able to travel with my one of my close friends, and two others who quickly became close friends of mine. I believe for the first 3 or 4 months....we had so many hellos. So many days and nights of wondering what the next hour would bring. Anticipation followed us and the excitement never seemed to leave us. The last month or two we were there, focus turned to all the good-byes we would have to say. The end was drawing near, our hearts were breaking, with each good-bye. The airport scene seemed tragic as we stumbled through our final good-byes. On our flight home, we sat in silence interrupted with tears. Some how - a very random song came into our minds when we were thinking back of all the in between. We held hands and quietly sang through our tears.
Last night, I woke in the middle of the night with the lyrics stuck in my head. I began to wonder - why we keep saying hello, when we know there are goodbyes to follow, regardless of how happy the middle is. How many times can we keep saying hello with the same innocence we had at 17?

Saying goodbye, going away
Seems like goodbye is such a hard word to say
Touching a hand, wondering why
Its time for saying goodbye

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we've had
Much more to say, foolish to try,
Its time for Saying goodbye

Dont want to leave but we both know,
Sometimes its better to go
Somehow I know, we'll meet again,
Not sure quite where and I dont know just when

Your in my hear so until then,
Its time for saying goodbye,

Somehow i know, we'll meet again,
Not sure quite where I dont know just when
Your in my heart so until then
Wanna smile, Wanna Cry
Saying Goodbye........
Its time for Saying goodbye........

The Aquatic Hamster

2008-01-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

Some days you cant look away. Rubbernecking on the freeway at an accident or firestorm 2007 coverage on TV. You want to turn your head, hell you want to run as far as you possibly can....but you cant. Not exactly sure why. Some days you find your self in places you promised you would never go again. YET....you are still sitting there, with last years t-shirt, wondering why no one else is around. Perhaps they caught the last train while you are still circling on the merry-go-round....keeping your eyes peeled for the glow in the dark necklaces.
OR possibly you keeping saying god my head hurts...and repeatedly bang it into the wall...and wonder why on earth your head is hurting.

I think I am spending too much time as an aquatic hamster these days.

Year In Review

2007-12-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

A year in review:

January - It was a cold crazy month. I went home to take care of my mother. Friendships were tested while I was there. I found some serious inner strength as I flew home the day before the Superbowl to get the most interesting of homecomings I have ever had.

February - The warm homecoming I received at the airport, left me alone to watch the Superbowl of which i believe i fell asleep. It was the first year February 4th passed unnoticed. I didn't feel like there was much to celebrate. I took a new stand in my life and began to branch out and stand on my own two feet. I met up with some thistle owners. Was able to race a few times and we won. Always a good time. I also got the opportunity to crew on a 37ft boat. That was interesting. Also started my MBA. I guess you could say it was a busy month.

March - hmmmm do not remember much of march. Could not have been all that fantastic. I did have some visitors from WI which pissed off zed. I think it was just the entire situation. Oh well, friendship is good again, and zed seems quite content these days.

April - My first triathlon in San Diego, I would like it to be known that I had one of my best races ever and still ended up finishing in like 10th place in my age group. That was a shock to the system.

May - What happened in May - More school, training for the Baja Ironman 70.3. Really began to enjoy life again and became increasing comfortable in life and content with myself. I could once again handle being alone.

June - Was marked by finishing the Ironman 70.3, taking second in a triathlon two weeks later...which was also the race where I could feel that my hip took the last it could handle. Friendships were reformed and I was having a great time in San Diego!

July - Ah....30. It was a fantastic Birthday. For a day I thought I would be spending alone...I still smile when i think about the day. It was a truly memorable day that I will always be able to enjoy the memories. "Hello Nice people....." The end of the month was marked with a falling out at Macy's birthday.....still working on that.

August - is when the chaos started and it has not ended.....It began with the AIDS Ride, where once again - fantastic memories were made and friendships were strengthen and new ones formed. That's right, my Roadie friend I am talking about you. Somehow I managed to finish each day of the ride thanks to the Bjorn experience and the strength DA Pirate gives me. I am looking forward to Act 6! Next came the move to the new apartment. I am still amazed I managed to pull it off alone. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it through the unpacking alone. The pain in my hip was too much to take at that point, but mom was there to rescue me. She drove out from AZ and helped get me organized. hmmm could use that again actually. Who else would organize my closest by color and type of clothing. It was a difficult month between school, Aids Ride, the move, and insane amount of hip pain. I Found my way through.

September - Relief...Finally had the surgery and I thought all would be better. Turns out no one let me in on how much the recovery would take. But I managed to fight through each day - some days were easier than others. Thanks to my physical therapist, I could see hope.

October - I was settling nicely into a bitter lonely life interrupted with Anaheim visits. However, that came to close once again with the departure of some friends to Vietnam. Than the surrounding area went up in FLAMES and I began to wonder what the hell i was doing here. I survived and I found my strength coming back, I revived some other neglected friendships and was finding life to be ok again.

November - The anniversary. That's right 1 year has passed only 9 more to go before I can truly put it all behind me. The anniversary was marked in a strange way. A very unexpected night. Out for my PT's Birthday - after that much time together - it was inevitable to not become friends. But the night led me to a Wisconsin encounter I never could have anticipated in a million years. For once, I just decided to enjoy it and not over analyze anything. November also marked my first opera and roller derby bout. In the same week.

December - Looking back it hard to believe I summarize my entire year in a few paragraphs. There really was so much more that happened along the way. But these are the moments that have stuck with me through the months. As for current times. This month has only gotten better with each day. While, there are issues erupting each day around me, I am trying to stay focused on the positive. That is much easier said than done some days. However, I am continuing to believe all things in life happen for reason. Choices we've made. Decisions we have been faced with. At the end of the day, you have live with yourself. When you close your eyes, regardless of who is or is not lying next to you, are you ok with your choices. It is that very question I am facing today and trying to understand. I think we must all remember, do not ask the question if you do not want to hear the answer.

I look forward to 2008 with hope, anticipation and fear. I would like to say it is all revolved around my ironman, but there seems so much more right now as well. I cant say i know where tomorrow will take me. I try not to look to far forward, i have learned the very hard way....there is no way to know. We can plan, calculate, and formulate all the ideas we want. However, some times, the focus changes. Goals change. Utility changes. With great anticipation I look forward to crossing the finish line in AZ. I hope for my friends and family to be waiting to share in the moment. I will be graduating in may and cannot believe I only have 4 classes left, current included. Where life and 2008 will take me, I have no idea. I hope for the best. I hope my current trend of happiness and good fortune does not change.

To everyone out there, who is still reading. Thank you for your friendship. 2007 has certainly been a memorable year. West wishes to you and yours in 2008!

The running begins.

2007-11-25T17:38:00.000-08:00

I tried to run tonight. I tried to runaway, but it kept following me. Around every corner, jumping out behind every tree and stoplight. No matter where I seem to look, no matter how hard I try to close my eyes and escape, it keeps haunting me in the night and the day. Once I thought I had escaped. I thought I finally was able to run far enough away. So I stopped running. Tonight it came back. I could hear the footsteps down the hallway. Scratching along the wall, grinding the paint in its nails, It came knocking on my door with a light tap at first, until the pounding became unbearable and I opened the door. Grabbing at my heels, following every step I take, I tried to run away tonight.

Hoping, Wishing, & Praying

2007-11-16T09:17:00.000-08:00

Life has some pretty strange moments we never anticipate. My time in San Diego is proof to that statement. I never anticipated to be here. Hell, I never wanted to come here. I fought it every step of the way to the moment when I finally had to say good-bye to Texas. Everyone and everything I knew for the past 7 years is now a memory. Still even here, I have continued to fight accepting that I am here.
My first apartment, I was reasonably unpacked, but it did take months. I wanted to believe it was a dream and that I would be able to go back 'home' to Texas. Now that I have moved to a new apartment and realized I am not going anywhere soon, I have finally completed unpacking. There were two boxes in a hallway I would walk by everyday and pictures piled up that needed to be hung. Aft first, I thought it was pure laziness keeping me from finishing. Recently, I have come to the understanding, it was me fighting my time here.
Hoping, wishing, and praying I could start over, again. I have not been very accepting of this place and all it has to offer. I simply wanted to start over somewhere else and forget all that has transpired in the past two years. Texas fell off the radar of destinations and I was willing to go anywhere in the country. For a while I would have even considered Bismark, ND. So what has changed this all.
I finally opened my eyes. I took a ride along the coast over the weekend and realized where I was living. I dipped my toes in the ocean, sat on the beach and even I was amazed by the beauty of everything.
Once, I did open my eyes, things have continued to get progressively better. Training has started for Ironman AZ and I feel like myself again. My calendar is filling up with races, goals are being set, and I feel like I have a purpose again.
The hoping, wishing, and praying has now changed focus to 140.6 miles of swimming, biking, and running. My life makes sense.

San Diego on Fire!

2007-10-23T03:13:00.000-07:00

Its the wee hours of the morning when I woke up. I looked outside the window expecuting to see the same normal plume of smoke that has been lurking in the horizon. To my surprise, it has been replaced with bright orange flames. While it is only 7 miles away or so, the fire is moving south west of me (lets keep praying on that) and downtown is currently not under evacuation. I have increasing concern this city is over estimating the safety of downtown, but unfortunately everything else is on fire as well and beyond jumping in the ocean I have no other options. I hear the potential options involve going to coronado hanging out in the parking lot of the naval base or potentially transported to aircraft carriers. God help me, I will take anything to be away from here at this point.
I do not think i have ever felt fear like this in my life. It is no longer something I am watching on TV but a reality burning outside my windows. I just want wednesday to come. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in a day or so. They say the winds will die down. I dont think it can happen soon enough.
I continue to be reassured, even by kevin (The parking garage guy, who's lived here his whole life) that downtown will not burn. I pray he is right. Apparently there are too many freeways for it to jump. Again, please pray with me the winds die down.
I have had less than two hours of sleep tonight and am emotionally drained. I am off to try and sleep.
Please pray for the thousands who are losing their homes, pray for the winds to die down, and pray they are right....downtown is safe.
good night.

Update - Readers Digest Version

2007-09-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

It has been forever and a few days since I last updated my blog. There were many days where I began to write a draft and for some reason, never posted it. But finally I want to share some words. For those who were reading I apologize. Beginning with the most recent days and working backwards here's the Readers Digest Version of whats been going on.

Most recently, I had surgery (9/14) on my hip. It has been a long awaited surgery and overall I am happy to have had it done. However I am in a lot more pain that I anticipated. Saturday we were back at the hospital, bleeding wouldn't stop, but after a little while the bleeding subsided. Quick note, going into an ER with blood dripping from your leg - really does get you to the front of the line.
I hope to be back on my feet to begin training for the Ironman soon.
Next, I moved to a new apartment downtown. I am very excited about the move. I am living in what was an old 1920s hotel. I have a great view of Coronado Bridge, Cowles Mountain and Balboa Park. Windows wrap around my apartment. It is fantastic. I am so happy to finally come home to place I don't mind paying the rent at.
On that note, there has been a refreshing surge of happiness with the cleaning out of my past. I got rid of so many things connecting me to my past. Well the negative parts of my past.
The beginning of August was the AIDS Ride. Besides the extreme hip pain - it was a great ride and I met new people this year. That's right, my regular riding group was not there. It was a refreshing change and a lot of fun to ride with some new people I hope to continue a friendship with my new found roadie friends.Certainly unconventional for Tri Girl - but I hear it is possible for Tri-Girl and Roadie Guy to be friends.
Other than that - The birthday was good. Had a lot of fun and turning 30 wasn't too terrible.

I plan to a make a point to begin updates to the blog regularly - so please check back.

Ironman AZ

2007-06-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

I didnt think it could happen. The Ironman bug has struck! Now all I need is the $500 to register. I believe the race will be Ironman AZ. I like the idea of the route minus the nasty swim in the tempe river. The bike is 3 loop course and the run is also 3 loops. The loops have an upside and downside. But, I will soon have lots of family in the area and can travel there to train on the route and in the area in general. Plus it will give me a chance to hang out with my brother, jen and my neice.
Before this I think I will be taking on anothe half ironman. This time it is in Santa Cruz. I biked there once from San Francisco on my way to LA. There are no significant climbs, lots of rolling hills, but due to the winds, the way back (out and back course) will be blast. The route is on Hwy 1, which is how we came into the city from SanFran. It was a blast! Like a rollercoaster. Just as idea how much fun it was, some people were actually biking back to where the rolling hills started, so they could catch the tailwind and fly through the hills again!
It really was a lot of fun. So I think this will be a fun course. Plus a nice weekend get away for me.
I have a sprint triathlon this weekend. I guess it is the longest running triathlon at over 20 years. It should be interesting. As most triathlons around here are proving to be.

Thats about all I got. I am just two weeks away from the dreaded 30 year mark. It is hard to believe that I have made it this far and at the same time is seems I have not done very much. But I will probably begin writing more on that as the day draws near.

Well, I'd best be getting back to work.

Ironman Baja

2007-06-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well, It finally happened. I left for Mexico on June 9th as a Triathlete and I came home on June 11th as an Ironman 70.3 Finisher! I cant explain (but I have been trying) to bring to words the feeling of crossing the finish line! This truly had to be one of the greatest moments of my life.
So a quick recap,
Swim, 1.2 miles.
I had no idea what I was doing. I just stood waiting patiently for my wave to get called to the start line. Inside I was nervous as hell, just hoping I would be able to complete the entire thing.
The gun went off and away we went, plunging into the chilly waters of Ensenada. The first 300 meters were good. Than it was time to turn left and begin heading out of the nice protected marina. This is when I started my classic popping up my head every 100 meters or so and freaking out which leads to ingesting a lot of salt water. Halfway through I realized this is what was happening. If I just kept swimming I would be ok. So I did. Amazingly, it worked. When I entered the marina again, I knew I had really done it. That was a great moment and I knew when I got out of the water, I was heading off for a 56 mile bike.
Knowing I was in this only for the accomplishment, I took my transitions slow, in effort to make sure I had covered all bases and would be comfortable for the next leg of the event.
So after a few minutes I emerged with a huge smile on my face and ready to take on 'El Tigre'.
7 miles out or so, we started our first climb. Which end about 13 miles later. There would be points of relief, but overall - it seemed none stop. A few versus of 'She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes' helped distract me through the climbing. But overall, I felt really strong through the climbs. I made it to the rolling hills section and picked up my pace when a bee got caught under my sunglasses. This proved to be a bit of an issue and the bee proceeded to sting me, just below my eyelid. Ah that was lovely. I managed to get off to the side of the road, out of any ones way and pull the stinger out.
I continued on, with tears streaming down from the pain in my eye. However, this kept me distracted for the next several miles as I approached the downhill of 'El Tigre'. This descent was something out of the Tour, Or at least it seemed like that. We were hugging the side of a mountain, no guard rails to speak of, cyclists were biking up in the other lane as we twisted around the mountain.
I made it to the turn around point in 2 hours. I made it back to transition in about 1 hour and 10 minutes. The 13 miles I thought were all uphill. They really were.
Next the Run (13.1 miles)
This turned into a HUGE CLUSTER. The route was not explained very well at the race meeting and there was not a lot of support staff on the route to help guide people. Because of this, they actually threw the run times out! But I can assure you, I ran every painful mile!
Overall, all the training all the time spent getting to this level (even with bronchitis) the sacrafices I made along the way, were truly worth it. I came around the corner, back into the parking lot and headed down the hill to the finish line and tears came streaming down, once again. But this time I couldn't believe, I was finally going to realize my dream. I completed an Ironman 70.3!

Oh and yes, I think the Ironman bug has got me, I started sketching out training for a full Ironman in April!

I just want to say thanks to everyone that supported and encouraged me along the way!

Another Week

2007-05-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

There is nothing exciting to report here. I have been busy with work (and more work), school, and training. Oh and the occasional sail, which is a nice way to break up the monotony. This past weekend, I had a chance to volunteer at an event called Girls on the Run. Well - it was actually something I had to volunteer at, as part of Team Stay Put. Me, hanging out with lots of little kids....well at least the picture below caught me smiling. So it wasn't all bad. But it was a fun morning. The girls on the team here all seem great and I look forward to training and racing with them. Looking ahead I have another race this weekend. I am a little nervous - it is a beach start. I have been getting a ton of free advice on how to handle currents and waves etc. Usually I am just concerned about finishing the swim, now I have to consider currents...waves...plus its salt water and I'm in a wetsuit. Wish me Luck! I truly will need it.

Here I am with the Team and the Team Manager on the right.

A rare moment. Smiling while surrounded by kids!

My First California Triathlon

2007-05-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

There were lots of firsts this Sunday. First salt water swim, first wet suit swim, first swim, where I could touch seaweed the whole time, first swim with jelly fish, first transition with a wet suit, first time I finished a race and said - wow, i think that might be the best I had ever done and the first time to feel that way and not place. I can owe that to California Competition. I will have to say things here a little different in the triathlon world compared to Texas. Also, first time I did a non USAT sanctioned event. I don't recommend. Why one might ask, Well why at times the officials patrolling the road propped up on the back of a motorcycle with their clip board and pen - eyeing up each person as they drove past. Without these, what I used to think were annoying officials - do help keep the peace. The bike course was CHAOS putting it gently. Some chick (who was in my age group - but not making excuses) sat on my wheel, for the first half of the ride and than proceeded to pass and of course, I was left far behind. But enough of that, there is some benefit to the officials on the back of motorcycles carrying on with their clip boards. They do keep the peace. I also don't think I ever had to yell as much as i did for people to get out of my way - as many were taking up the lane, not passing others in a timely fashion - Who knew ?
Well, I am still pleased overall. I placed 14th out of 46 women in my age group. (also interesting to note, even though I turn 30 this year - because it was not USAT event, i raced in the 25-29 age group - Had I raced in the 30-34, I would have been in 12th) But enough of that nonsense. It is the first time, I started a season with a PR. I am pleased overall with the performance and looking forward to the next race.
Pictures to follow soon.

Any Up for a Swim?

2007-04-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

Something a triathlete might appreciate. Check out the link.
If the link does not work, follow the instructions below

Go to Google.com
--Click on Maps.
--Click on get Directions.
--From New York,New York
--To Paris,France.
--And read line # 24

Its True, I really have a Sponsorship!

2007-04-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

Some may have heard, I got a sponsorship from TeamStayPut. It is a line of Goody Hair Products. I am quite excited about it. While I am not getting paid, I did get a lot of free gear, which is always a bonus. Plus, I might get a chance to meet people and who knows maybe begin to enjoy San Diego. So hears to a great Race Season!

Update

2007-04-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

My how time flies when you are sick and miserable. I did not realize so much time has passes since my last post. As I just mentioned, I have been very sick. I am slowly coming out of it and hopefully out of the cloud of funk that has surrounded me for the past couple of weeks as well. I am happy to report I finished my first MBA class with A. I was very amazed by that fact. Hopefully I will be feeling better soon and back to my ramblings.

Living In San Diego

2007-03-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

I am not sure I have ever mentioned it, or maybe I am now just realizing it even more with each passing day. It seems I am very angry about living here. I realize for the first time in my life I was content and happy in Texas. All parts of my life were falling in place. Yes, I lost a friendship or two along the way, but alone, I have managed to lose the same friendships again. That might just be the way it is supposed to have been all along. Overall though, with every passing day, every mention of Texas or someone asking me how i like San Diego, I can feel the anger swelling my insides and nearly exploding from every pore on my body. Initially my social life fell apart, but my job was good. I figured, well at least something was working. Than the social life picked up again and the job was not as good, but still at least there was some positive. Now....I find ways to stay busy to not be angry. However, both the job and social life and taken a significant dive and it is me and my cats. We spend a lot of nights staring at each other, me wondering how the hell i ended up at this point in my life. Angry and alone in San Diego.

Cancelled Texas Trip

2007-03-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

So I planned to write about what happened with Zed and how he got sick, trip got cancelled, when I received this message from someone at work and it took me by complete surprise. we were talking about the trip and the bizarre things that seem to happen to me.

Me: I always manage
Adaobi: you sure do. You're a strong woman, and it shows. Your courage is admirable, and inspires others
Adaobi: well me..:)
Me: really?
Adaobi: yeah, you might not know it but it's true. Hearing some of the things you've been through, and how you still find ways to keep your head up is really inspiring. Not a lot of people can do that. They can try but guess people handle things differently.

I can only say thanks adaobi! I was feeling horrible about having to cancel the trip etc....and i never realize that anything i do could inspire anyone more importantly that people actually pay attention to me and what i do.
Maybe it will be a good day after all.

When Honesty Goes Bad....Part 2

2007-03-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

My new attempt to be assertive and straight forward in my life is going bad ..... again. Well, I believe it was previous confessions that got me into trouble last time. This time it is honesty. Apparently when feedback is requested - lie.
We all want to pretend we are adults trying to move forward in life. Facing the truth is difficult for everyone. I know I dont like to hear what I am doing wrong or could improve on. However it is necessary to move forward. Apparently there are some individuals you should simply lie to. Little did I know.
Personally and Professionally, it blows my mind. I was tired of pretending to be someone I wasnt really, now that I can break out of my shell and find myself back again, I must remember to limit the little voice in my head.not everyone wants to hear what I have to say. Living disillusioned and under false pretenses seems to be the way of life these days. Maybe that is just life in California.

A week in thought

2007-03-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

My schedule continues to intensify and my workload increasing; in return posts are becoming more scattered. This past week was an interesting week. Work was chaotic, school was overly dramatic and socially...not much going on there at any point.
I seem to have learned a little bit more about myself this week. I feel like I am beginning to find myself back after a few years of disarray. Something about not dating is actually doing me some good. I have achieved more in the last 1.5 months than I have in quite some time. Generally, it is a good feeling to not have to add the stress of wondering how someone else if feeling along side everything else that is going on. With that said, I am not closing the door on an opportunity that might present itself, but I am going to become significantly more particular in my decision to pursue anything. With that noted,school has offered up one such opportunity. however, i believe I have manged to close that door unintentionally. So is life.
Back to the self reflection....I have also realized that certain lines should never be and in some cases could never be crossed. There are reasons friendships have developed. It is good to remember the reason behind those and not lose sight. Adding to that sentiment, I have realized I was boasting to myself on incredible personal gains and self reliance. However, i was still "hanging" on people. They just happened to be scattered around the country. Sadly, one thing I remember as a little girl, is my mother staying "Stop hanging on me" I was a touchy feely kid and well, was always hanging on her or my dad. It seems I have found myself emotionally doing this inadvertently in my attempt to declare independence. I think it is time I stop "hanging" on people.
Wow - that was just my drive into work today.

Some have heard the news, I got an amateur sponsorship with Team Stay Put (Goody hair ties). Nothing too exciting, just a few freebies really. But for someone who was once the "fat kid" its kind of exciting. The team site is under construction, but soon there will be links to athlete profiles etc. I will be sure to post a link for those interested.

Ah....Sailing.....

2007-03-07T10:46:00.000-08:00

I am proud to say that in nearly 30 years of sailing, I had never capsized on a sailboat until this past weekend.
Everything changed.
There we were, twiddling our thumbs between jibes on a slow downwind tack - amazed of our initial position in the race. We pass just under the Coronado Bridge and the wind begins to shift. We decide to drop the Spinnaker. The jibs up, spinnaker down - we notice a line of wind on the water ahead. The captain keeps yelling to trim the sails, trim the jib - we do.
With in the next instant the line of wind hits us and we go over! Suddenly water is rushing over the leeward side of the boat - the captain is yelling to release the mainsail - theres a knot in the line, we keep diving further into the water. With nearly everyone on the high side - we are amazingly still moving forward, the mainsail is filling with water and magically the wind stops, the boat levels back out - after we all get a nice shower of sea water from the mainsail. The remainder of the race, there was barely enough wind to move.
This is the boat i am now racing on,
check out the skill in controlling the spinnaker pole....It was on this boat on this day I was watching water flow over the side of the boat. Here we are hoping we can keep the spinnaker full.

So a few takeaways from the recent week/weekend

These are in no particular order.....

1. A 36ft boat can capsize
2. Love is worth waiting for
3. Writing papers really does suck at any level in school
4. I really am not designed for group work/participation
5. Drinking Water is a necessity
6. I really do live in California
7. The turning turning point in a 'good' relationship is when you lose yourself
8. I should stick to dating men my own age or older
9. Capsizing is not nearly as scary as I expected it to be

Verbal Diarrhea

2007-02-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

It seems I have a severe case of Verbal Diarrhea when I talk with certain people. I am so afraid of what they could possibly be thinking, or why they even bother to talk with me, that I cant quite figure out what to say. Rather, I cant figure out why I say what I do. None of it seems to ever make sense. As my mouth is rambling at ludicrous speed, I keep wondering where the words are coming from. How many more will I actually vocalize before I realize i am a complete idiot. Or more importantly before he realizes I am a complete Idiot.
It always seems to go this way. I think gong forward, I will opt for the instant message option. Seems I dont appear as much of an idiot in that setting.
Or at least my Verbal Diarrhea disorder seems to be a bit more under control.
At the end of the day, i dont think it really matters, nor will the impact make or break my life. It just follows suit with what friend of mine told me after my xmas escapade back to WI. There are some things you want so badly, you forget how to just be yourself.
I ask myself often if those that bring out my Verbal Diarrhea Disorder even realize how i am. I also wonder how much it is worth to find out. A significant portion of time seems to be spent trying to please others.
Whether it is my management, my parents, friends, those feeling the side effects of the Verbal Diarrhea, but i dont know how much time I spend trying to please myself. Making myself the most important thing. I guess it cant be entirely wrong to want others to be happy with you, your work, etc. But it seems I go over board on this as with so many things in my life. I think it is time to once again find Moderation.

Its only 10am!

2007-02-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

I am desperately trying to find something good in this day. All i've got so far, is I am still breathing. The jury is out on if that qualifies as good. I keep trying to remember the fun I had over the weekend as we sailed to a first place in the regatta. Still, all i am thinking is how painful all the bruises have become.
Even the Palm tree i see out the window at work is not putting a smile on my face. Just encouraging the contempt I am feeling for living here. However, Neil Diamond just came on the radio. Hard to be angry listening to Sweet Caroline. I guess it is a start.

Some Mid Day Rambling

2007-02-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

It has been sometime since I mustered the energy or words to write a post. However, this is much to talk about. Besides the normal day to day work, training etc. I am very excited to report that I have had the opportunity to sail again. Many dont even know how much I love to sail. It is an indescribable feeling. But I believe one of the most amazing things to experience. It is not just the feeling of sitting on the rails, feet pinned under a strap, arse hanging off the edge, burn in your abs as you balance yourself with waves splashing over you. (yes I am in first (forward) position racing on the boat) Well there is a lot to be said about all that. But it is also amazing to grab hold of the lines (or sheets if you prefer). Feeling the strength of the wind. As my dad often says, the great part of sailing is capturing the energy from the wind and when you are done with it, it is there for the next person to enjoy.
So to that note, I was called up to crew this weekend on an ocean race both saturday and sunday! Here is a link of the type of boat I will be racing on.
I will admit, my nerves are a little high. It is only a 17ft boat.
Besides the race, It looks like I will be starting my MBA on the 26th of Feb! Hard to believe!
What else?
I think that might be it. There are a few other things going on, but I have not decided how, when, what, and mostly if i will disclose any of it.
Mostly I am pleased to say that I am taking a look at myself and wanting to make myself a better person. But also need to find that person back again. I have been lost for a while and am looking at my current social situation (or lack there of) as a great way to develop myself and reconnect with what I have lost over the past months/ dare say years.
Of course there will be a great emphasis on training. The days continue to tick away until the Half IM!

A Quick Recap

2007-02-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

Its been a very interesting week, with lots of time to think. I will certainly expand on that when I get back to San Diego. In the meantime, I can say I am very happy I was able to come home to help my mother. At times it was hard to watch her struggle in the beginning but as of today, she is moving on her own and improving tremendously with each day.
I have had a lot of time on my hands to think and reflect and overall, the week did not go as i had anticipated. Some parts were better than expected, others not the case.
My training was hardly existent, i was happy to put some miles in on a treadmill (way too cold to run outside). I got a chance to catch up with my close friend Miriam. Of course there were many others along the way. Hard to go anywhere in this city without running into someone you know. Sadly, it never seemed to be the right people. But that is another day another time.
As for now, I am looking forward to escaping the cold, returning to my cats, and being able to sleep through a night.
I will be sure to catch up on everyones blog when i return, I hope the week has been kind to everyone!

Good News!

2007-01-23T10:21:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, my mom had surgery today for a hip replacement. I am pleased to say I just got word, she is back in her room recovering nicely. Everything went according to plan. I am pretty sure if anything didn't, my dad still would not tell me. But she is awake and talking and made certain he called me - as I was the most stressed about this. I think even a little bit more than she might have been.
Now comes my role, caretaker. Hmmm should be interesting. nearly 2 weeks at the beck and call of my mom. I guess it is only fair if I think of all the years she catered to my every need whether sick with the flu or after a surgery.
I guess I am thankful, I have the capability to fly back to be with her. Of course I have some selfish motivation for this trip. But I digress.

On a note of training, I would have to say my swimming compared with last year has improved 10-fold. A workout totaling 3000 is the minimum compared with it being a painful experience. I remember when heather first started working with me and swimming a 400 was some serious stress! Now I do 500 repeats. Funny how things change. The first triathlon I did, heather was walking up and down as i desperately tried to swim each lap, wanting to give up every time i found the side of the pool.
But she encouraged me each step of the way and got me to the end and now look...I am confident i will be able to make the 1.2 mile swim in the Half IM. I can never than her enough, but i owe her so much! Thanks Heather! Your place may no longer be in the water but I am certain you will excel in helping others. after all you were able to create a non - threatening environment for me to attack and over come one of my biggest fears...swimming in a triathlon and under pressure.
It gave me the ability to compete in what has become one of my passions that I hope to enjoy for a lifetime. That's impressive! I hope to have an 1/8 of that impact on someone else's life. But again, I digress. The spin class and run home from the gym was good too.

Hmm, I am not certain there is much to say today. I think the emotion is draining out of me after many hours of being stressed over my mothers surgery. I am so excited for her to be able to enjoy life again.

Friday!

2007-01-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

That's about the best thing I can say today - so cliche, but Thank God Its Friday!
Less than a week until I head back to the frigged north. Surprisingly I am very excited about that. It has been years since I could simply enjoy being at home. Not rushing to family obligations. But be able to do all of nothing for days on end. OK well I will have to look after my mother, but mostly i will be doing nothing!
I cant wait!

So begins the attempted german.

2007-01-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

nicht sicher, was es gestern Abend war. es scheint, daß ich an nichts und alles in einem Zug dachte. Was, tun Sie, wenn Ihr Wunsch zutreffend kommt. Nicht sicher sollte ich den Wunsch überhaupt gehabt haben, zum mit anzufangen. Nicht sicher kommt er wirklich zutreffend. Nicht sicher, wie ich glauben sollte, wenn er tut und/oder nicht zutreffend kommt. Ich weiß nicht, wenn ich verletzt werde, oder entlastet. Es gibt einige Sachen in dieser Welt, die als Wunsch besser sind. Ich hoffe wirklich, daß dieses nicht eine von ihnen ist. ich denke.

A New Focus

2007-01-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

Many of you know, I had a lofty goal of my first race this year being the Half Ironman in Oceanside. Well, due to my procrastination the race is already filled. I became incredibly stressed, but found another half in Baja! Temperatures will be a bit warmer, since the event is not until June. While the climbs i think will be a bit more challenging and there will be no marines lining the road, I am still psyched about it. I think the event will be a lot of fun. I already have a pile of friends and family joining me for the race to take advantage of the location and a long weekend.
Not too mention a few more weeks of training is certainly appreciated. Seems I have not been as diligent as I should be regarding my long weekend workouts.
This time I have registered for the race. Looking forward to the months to come as i begin to increase my focus.

When honesty goes bad.....

2007-01-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

I believe we all have the friends that insist you tell if they gain weight, have something on their face, or possibly are making a very bad decision. "You'd tell me the truth right?"
I know I have heard that statement a million times. But do we really want to ever hear the truth. Do we want to know we've gained weight or that our favorite outfit should be removed from the clothing rotation.
This takes me back to a previous post ignorance is bliss.
What about confessions.
Maybe the mystery should stay a mystery. The words should not be shared. The lines should never be crossed. It seems that the past weeks have taken me across lines, solved a few mysteries for some, and am certain I have shared one too many words. Stripes truly do not work for some and well, i leave the weight gain alone.
But something made me do it, encouraged me to take the blind leap of faith. Than like a scared child I revert back to the fetal position, pull the blankets over my head, and wish the days away.
Not that I am living in regret, but not certain my decisions were the best.
And...now what?
I cant go back. Nothing can be undone.
I have always tried to never live in regret and considering my life, feel i have managed to do that. Until recently.
There may have been some choices I should have reconsidered before making them.
This has given me concern, because I am beginning to question a lot of my decisions. Where they have taken me, affected me, and of course others around me.
I was told by my father, it is you and you alone you have to sleep with every night. When you close your eyes, no matter who is near you. Its your eyelids, your thoughts, your memories you have to face staring back at you from the back of your eyelids.
Recently I have been wondering if you can sleep with your eyes open. Skip right to the dreams. miss the whole part before you fall asleep where you are staring at your eyelids, thinking of your day, the events, your choices.
Cheers to Advil PM. It helps speed up this process. Excessive amount of exercise certainly tires one out and adds to speeding up the process as well.
Its moments like this, in my journal where I begin to write in German. Maybe one day I will forget the translation. forget what the words mean. What they meant. Where they came from. Or possibly what made me write them. It would all be lost in translation.

Late Night Dreams - edited

2007-01-08T09:49:00.000-08:00

What was today, I see nothing before me.
What was yesterday, I feel nothing of the past.
The wind shifts and subtle chants float through the air.
A stake slices the air to the right of my ear!
You bastard where be it that you hide?
Close than you believe.
Who is that to speak?
What is it you want to hear?
Show me the way.
My child ask not of the way.
A child I am not! But a woman to be. Let me walk with you through the nights and dream through the days.
Woman to be you will fear what you will see.
There is no way I can fear for what I have already seen.
Child of desire why speak you such words of despair.
For I see no tomorrow and I know that death is near.

Let me walk with you through the nights and dream through the days.
It was this line that i was thinking about this morning when I woke up and realized I was sad to have woken up. My dreams lately seem to be winning over my reality. Not that my reality is all that horrible. But lately in my dreams I have been able to escape to a world I wish I knew. hopefully these two will collide sooner than later.

Ignorance is Bliss

2007-01-03T12:41:00.000-08:00

So here goes, first post of the new year and well...I got nothing. I have been in a significant reflection period, continuing to reread journals from the past. This has proven to be an very good source of entertainment over the past few weeks as well as the words have given me insight into the audrey i once was, the audrey i would like to forget, and of course the audrey everyone has grown to love (or something close to that). Well in this process, i am realizing that all the times things go to hell is when i insisted on knowing the truth. I am becoming convinced ignorance is bliss. now if I could only figure out how to live in this disillusionment, everything would be great! unfortunately, i always feel the need to have things defined and understood. My current situation is with no exception.
but i am choosing to attempt to live in ignorance and mask the reality with the 'bliss' i am experiencing. Or something close to that.

I survived Wisconsin. Once again!

2006-12-29T13:42:00.000-08:00

Ok - so this is long, guess I am trying to make up for the past week.

My goal for this trip was to be able to relax and enjoy time in Sheboygan. That plan was foiled when my flight was canceled Thursday morning due to snow in Denver! Oh good.
The next flight i could get booked on was for Christmas Eve. So I took it. I arrived midday to Chicago where my cousin met me and we drove to My Aunts house. So began the chaos! As with any family there will inevitably be some laughs, some tears, and a little drama. Gotta love the holidays. This was no exception in our family as we celebrated Christmas Eve in the traditional fashion of our family minus the grandparents. Some of us took it a bit harder than others by the end of the night. While we all did the kiss kiss, hug hug
'we will have to do this again. We cant let the few traditions we have die.'
I am pretty sure, it will never happen again. I dont intend to be pessimistic on this note, it is just that the generation has passed. My parents are the grandparents. We are assuming new roles and change is never fun.

The other goal i had when i was home was to go through and find some old journals - this in my continued quest for finding passion back in my life. I am spending time remembering the days when I had passion in my life for everything. Hoping to incorportate it back in to my current life. Thankfully this did happen. I spent a late evening digging through the closet in my old room. It was like a journey through time. Reading about all the good, bad, and of course ugly! There were so many things I had put out of my mind over the years. It was great to relive the memories - if only for the brief moment.

Next I would like to tell a story. One that I remembered. I hope i do the memory justice! (For privacy reasons, the names and dates have been altered)

Remember in the day when we loved to pass notes in school. As girls we passed them back and forth all day, in-between classes, during classes. It was an art form. The way we folded them. What we wrote on the outside to decorate them. Even the inside, we all had a distinct way to sign our name. Whether it be a peace symbol. Maybe peace love and happiness, BFF, There was always something. We took great pride in finding just the perfect way to close our note. But when it involved a boy. Wow - things got more and more involved. Making sure your handwriting was perfect, the paper looked flawless and of course you said enough, but never too much. Well at least if you just had a crush on the boy.
So i found the notes that resulted in a meeting for lunch.
The notes were simple and sweet. A little bit of how is your day going? Class sucks. Do anything interesting last night? Than it began to switch over trying to learn something about them. Tell me something i would never know about you. Or what is your favorite thing to do? Through this conversation, I managed to get a invite to lunch.

So we meet. This was a boy I liked from school. I thought he was very attractive, but I didnt know him the best. So I sat before him. water glass in hand fidgeting nervously, wondering what I should say....how dumb will he think I am. Why cant I form more intelligent sentences. But than I looked in his eyes and would lose all sense of time and space. (I was dramatic, i was young)
So after awkward, uncomfortable conversation, the lunch was over and time to say good-bye - but not before a traditional drive through on the city route. Hoping so badly something will change in conversation. Something will make sense. He too will look in my eyes and lose all sense of time and space.

But no. nothing. So time for the uncomfortable good bye. do you just get out of the car? Hug? My heart was pounding at the thought ... maybe just a kiss? But nervously i reach for the doorhandle and stumble out frantically kicking myself all the way to the front door.

Sitting inside the house, i wonder to myself, how could I have been so dumb. Maybe he wanted to talk. he did take off his seat belt. Maybe he wanted a hug? Do you think a kiss? There is no way I thought. I am just a foolish girl. So i curled up in my bed to scribe another note. I had to let him know or just simply talk to him again.

13 tries and I couldnt find the right words. Finally i went for the lame, thanks again for lunch. The next day arrives and I drop the note in his hands and tremble as i walk down the hallway. How stupid was that? I should have wrote more. Class is over, we pass again and he slides one top of my books as he passed by. A reply? Really?

'Your welcome' Oh I am mortified. Nothing else? There has to be something more. I flip the page over, I reread it, no decoder ring, no special invisible ink, just a 'your welcome'.

the day passes, i slump to and from my classes. trying to smile each time I pass by. Time is finally kind to me and the clock strikes 3; I am free is all i think. I head to my car and he stops me on the way. this time an invite to a movie!

Really? did he just ask me to a movie. How fantastic. Silently sitting side by side knowing his body is just inches from mine for a couple of hours. (what can I say, i was dramatic)

My indecision kills me and nearly killed the night, but we were able to finally decide on a movie. Great! Tickets are bought, seats are selected. Movie is starting. I curse myself for saying no to popcorn. What better way to accidentally touch his hand. So the next two hours pass and I was never so aware of every move I made and that he made. I just wanted to touch his hand. Finally i feel his hand on my leg and my stomach sunk to my feet while my heart pounded in anticipation. I tried to move my hand to meet his and it was stuck. I couldnt make it move. I couldnt force it from my lap to me knee...to greet his hand. nothing was happening. This went on for sometime, he moved his hand, crossed his legs and arms. Oh God help me, I blew it!
I then felt his fingers on my arm. Why cant I move, why cant i find a way to open my arms to touch his fingers to answer him. This never happened. I have never been this shy.

The lights come up, the movie is over...i dont even remember the name. What next? is the night over? I cant seem to make a sentence, I cant seem to make my arms move to meet his, but I dont want to say good night.
So he invited me to his house...maybe a chance to talk. I might be able to make a sentence. But no. the awkwardness continued.
Fast forwarding... the night ended after sitting on opposite sides of the couch the entire time. Soon we were back in my driveway trying to figure out how to say good-bye. The seatbelt is removed. I didnt reach instantly for the door. The awkward hug occurs, I slightly turned my head and to feel his face against mine. Than I think oh god, did he think I was expecting him to kiss me. Or he thought i was forward and was going to kiss him. Too flustered to take the time and figure it out i ran for front door.

I never did find the answer to those questions. I later learned, he too was interested, but there were circumstances that werent going to allow anything to happen. Damn college.

I am not sure how the rest of you fair on relationships. Some may say I am a serial dater. Or at least that is what I have turned into. Somehow I always seem to be dating. But when was the last time I felt my stomach turn over, my nerves playing ping pong in my stomach, simply thinking his name and feel the adrenaline rush through my veins.
It has been a while.
Well I guess I was always a little dramatic
But that is the feeling I need. To know that in a relationship again would be amazing. However, there always seem to be circumstances.

But Thankfully, after a few days of reflection in WI. I think I am well on my way to finding the passion at least back in my own life.

Living a Passionate Life

2006-12-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

I have spent the past several evenings rereading journals. It is interesting. I have gone back to some that were from high school dating back 13 years! When I was writing it was never anything terribly brilliant. Not that much has changed there. But I was insanely passionate about EVERYTHING. If I was angry with my parents; my life seemed like it was going to end. If I was hurt by a friend; the friendship for that day was over. If I liked someone, a harsh word from them would destroy me. Dont get me wrong, i am not advocating living that emotionally. But i do think there is something to be reminded by it. Some how over time (at least this is true with me) I have either become numb to particular things or as an act of maturity no longer react as I once did. But i think it is that 'maturing' process that desensitizes us from things that not only matter in the world but to ourselves. So while the strangest goal to ever set for one's self. For 2007 I want to find the passion back in myself. I know it is hiding in there somewhere...currently only expressed when on a bike. But I think it is important i find ways to focus that energy to all aspects of my life. I guess, it is better than the usual....'i will lose weight, or drink less etc.' by no means will i pretend (certainly) that the latter of those two will ever happen!

Chatterbug

2006-12-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

I have to say, I am a bit chatty today. But i thought I would update on the status of my legs. I am happy to report that nothing major happened to my right leg. Nothing that time wont heal. i hate that word time....As for my hip from the 'tragic' bike accident. i have gotten another cortisone shot. The pain is already kicking in and if it turns out anything like last time, I expect to be immobile in a couple of hours. Feel free to call tonight, I am a captive audience.
Depending on how much wine, I may have consumed.

Christmas meme

2006-12-12T11:44:00.000-08:00

C R E A T E

I would love to say I am as creative as my friend Bendingpeak but there will be no crafty gifts. I am not that creative these days. But i thought this was entertaining and i am having a moment of holiday weakness.
1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? they are wrapped. what else do all those elves do?
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Colored on both. Blue on the house if possible.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? No.
5. When do you put your decorations up? Thanksgiving, but this is the most christmas spirit i have had. So no decorations this year.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Potato pancakes
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Hard to pick. They were all great.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? On xmas eve, I got a lot of barbie furniture from my grandmother. on xmas day, I got a barbie dream house. I had a lot of questions after that.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Only those from my grandmother at her house.
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? Dont think I ever left him cookies.
11. Snow! Love it or hate it? Love it when I can visit it and than head back to some place sunny.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes. Spent many days ice skating on the river by my parents house.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? The barbie dream house.
14. What's the most important thing about the holidays to you? family.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? cookies. the cut out kind with frosting. when else do you get those?
16. Favorite Holiday tradition? potato pancake brunch and mimosas with the family. the men cook, the women drink!
17. What tops your tree? some sort of light thing
18. Which do you prefer--GIVING OR RECEIVING? Giving
19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? Hark the herald angels sing - It signaled the end of the christmas eve service, as kids we were in.
20. Candy Canes? sometimes

Oh Me Oh My - Training Update

2006-12-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

The strange thing about a blog, is you never know who is reading! It makes me concerned I should perhaps go back to the general intention of the blog and give an update on my training. I have to say, up until this weekend things were going great! For those just tuning in, I am training for the California Half ironman; known to many as Ralphs Half. The D-Day is March 31st!
I am following along with the program from my attempted half ironman last spring. So far, besides being lonely on training rides; things have been good. The latest injury to report was this past friday. I was running around a lake near my apartment when I tripped. I foolishly caught myself and believe that was the bad choice. I will find out in an hour more what I did, but by saturday midday, my leg was going numb in the area of my quad. On sunday I could barely walk. However by time Monday arrived; i was feeling pretty good. The limp only set in near the end of the day. Did this stop me from my scheduled swim workout? Of course not, I just spent a good deal of time with paddles and a pull bouy. But lets face it, a little focus on breathing at the right time (my big weakness) couldnt hurt!
I am off to the orthopedic to find out what I did to my leg along with discussing the pain that continues in my hip from the 'tragic' bike incident.
Hopefully in 2007 I will be crossing the finish line of a half ironman!

the gift that keeps on annoying others.....

2006-12-11T10:16:00.001-08:00

Movin to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches
Im movin to the country Im gonna eat me a lot of peaches
Im movin to the country Im gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin to the country Im gonna eat a lot of peaches
Peaches come from a can they were put there by a man
In a factory downtown
If I had my little way Id eat peaches everyday
Sun soakin bulges in the shade

Movin to the country Im gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin to the country Im gonna eat a lot of peaches
Im movin to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches. . . . . . .

- so happy i got this stuck in my head for the better portion of the weekend.

Joy Kept Love.

2006-12-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

I've got nothing.

The Quote of the Day

2006-12-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" Benjamin Franklin

Floating through the days

2006-12-07T15:45:00.000-08:00

There is nothing brilliant to scribe today. Not that I have translated much to my posts. It seems that on this particular day, there is little that is keeping my attention focused on anything outside of anticipation for the weekend.

I fell asleep last night with thoughts of happiness and bliss. Finally, I got some much needed answers that somehow have managed to put my fears to aside. It is a comforting feeling. I am not crazy and there are not flashing lights above my head directing all losers, deadbeats, and f'sticks in my direction.
Well..at least not currently.

There was a time in my life when I wanted nothing more but an opportunity to share my words with the world. I truly believed they were worth reading. Now I find this blog, not only is it a place of procrastination for myself, but also my friends and family alike.

It is interesting that there is so much overflowing from me and I cant seem to capture any of the words. They are all slipping past. I cant deny lately I have been floating alongside them. Not taking any control of the world around me. Not even fighting to stand. Just floating through the days with all my words slipping past me. Today it seems I want to find the shore. I need to stand. I need to attempt capturing the words....trying to make sense of them. It clearly is a long process and there is no shoreline in sight, but at least I want to find one.

People keep asking what I want for xmas, Maybe a compass would aid in my search for the elusive shoreline. Maybe a vacation on a beach would help. oh wait I live in san diego.

Perhaps I should keep looking.

It really is not a very interesting day. Unlike yesterday, today I am actually enjoying memories. I loaded my IPOD with music of the past (important note, music that reminds me of good times).

Life is pretty amazing as it shuffles us around. Picks us up and drops us on our assets. People keep asking how i can continue to be positive and willing to wake up each day having recently faced so much adversity. My only answer at the moment, i cant help but wonder what is going to happen tomorrow!

The Reminders of Pain

2006-12-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

It is strange how a song, a scent, or even the taste of a drink can take us back to places of happiness and sadness. The part that is disturbing, is it is our mind that is allowing that to happen. We have created some type of association that we cant let go of. But when someone else is responsible for the reminder of pain how can you explain the reaction. One day, moving along normally in your life and everything is going as good as one could hope. Next minute you are delivered a piece of news. A piece of news from someone that is so far from your life. Yet, how do you justify getting upset, reacting to the one bit of information that you imagined would happen one day; you just never believed it would hurt you so much.
All I can relate the news that I received today is similar to finding out your ex-boyfriend that never wanted to get married, just got engaged to his new girlfriend. SO why cant they say, i never wanted this with you. It would be at least honest.
Who knows for sure, that may not even be the situation and by far not the best analogy. There are always a million factors that play into a situation. But at least I can say, i would not be happier with that possible chosen path in life. Hmm How can I make such a statement. Because of everything else I have had the chance to see, experience and know in the past years. I wouldnt trade any of it for the chance that the situation would be different.
Life always has a way of working itself out. Some days it is harder to the path.

Xmas, Tiffanys, Workouts, and Doomsday Dreams....Its been a busy morning.

2006-12-05T12:38:00.000-08:00

Its that time of year again - the dreaded holidays! well at least to all singletons it is the dreaded time of year. Not only are you reminded of just how alone feel; your family is there to remind you of it by asking the famous ' and are you seeing anyone?' barage of questioning.
I bring this up; only as i begin to look at my xmas shopping and realize on a plus side, how much money i can save, not only by being in a bad mood over the holidays; but by being single.
The good news, by the end of the weekend my holiday shopping will be complete. The bad news, clearly there is no Tiffany's in my future this xmas. I think I will have to splurge on myself, with all the saved money. Perhaps that will bring me back into the holiday spirit. Nothing like a blue box to lift up your spirits.
I believe i must be on a downward spirial from the incredible weekend, as I am not sure a blue box could lift my spirits today!
I had an incredible day of workouts yesterday but the endorphine high did not make it through the night. The swim was not outstanding, but i made it through. The spin class turned out to be fantastic. But I was hoping to feel the burn today. I think I will have to push it harder on wednesday.
There is a 60 minute run on the plan book for tonight, but that may be over ruled with the need to clean my apartment and get some serious sleep. Seems my doomsday dreams have resurfaced. I am sure there is some reasoning behind that and I am sure I could pay to find the reason, but in my own realization i believe it is because as soon as I begin to care for someone, a fear of death resurfaces inside me.
Apparantly when I am alone, I have little regard for the length of my life or the status of the world. When emotions begin to develop; all that changes.
That is enough thought for me in one day. off to work - where very little thought is involved!

Happy Days are hear again

2006-12-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

Concentration is difficult today. I cant deny it was a fantastic weekend in sunny San Diego! My focus at work is no where to be found. I am not certain I can begin to explain, but naturally I will try to ramble through. I guess it all started with a fantastic ride on Saturday Morning. This was my first experience with the Triathlon Club on San Diego. As I approached the Del Mar Starbucks my apprehension was steadily increasing. I turned onto 14th street, the designated road for parking and found myself behind a subureau outback, loaded with two amazing triathlon bikes and wheels I could only dream of owning. I sat in my car for a moment, looked around - i could see some florescent yellow flickering around the starbucks. I quickly began to question what the hell i was doing here. There was no way, I would be able to ride with these people. as the couple emerged from the outback; I took an immediate notice of their matching cycling garb and realized I should turn around now, run and never look back. A quick reassuring phone call to my mother gave me the confidence to step out of my car and begin assembling my bike and layering on the clothes. Once put together i headed to the starbucks where I was immediately greeted by a group of 20 men. Oh god! What I have Done is all I could think. There is no way I could turn back now. So I began to start a conversation with someone next to me. Friendly was my first thought. Maybe it wont be so bad. Than more people began to appear. More people that looked like I could not get dropped by. Dean, the ring leader, gave a quick talk to us all, described the route, asked who was new, and we all clipped in and headed out.
I found myself in the middle of the pack right behind the 'perfectly dressed matching couple'. Exactly where I wanted to be, but I couldnt handle the speed....no too slow. What I thought? There is no way, I am complaining about pace already. So settled back for a few minutes and let the group settle down. However, it was clear the leaders found their position and I was still coasting behind Mr/Mrs Smith. I passed on the left and headed to the front. Found myself among a group of men where few words were being exchanged. I decided to sit back and well...did what I hate the most. Sit on their wheels. This worked for a bit until they began a rotation and I had to pull my weight. Which I did; with minimal pain. As we rolled into oceanside; I was feeling like I was on top of the world.
We took a break at a little store, exchanged some conversation and headed back south to Del Mar. At this point, I felt unstoppable. I continued to hold my position in the lead group for the next 6 miles until the first major hill appears! My climbing skills certainly leave something to be desired. I pull out in front, in hope to gain as much speed on the downhill to help the uphill process. This did not help anything. Everyone comes flying past as though I were parked on the side of the road. I drop off the back and see them only again at starbucks as I finish for the morning.
But now that I know the route, I look forward to next saturday when I can strategically ride better and hopefully avoid getting dropped!
Most of all, i need to thank my Dallas Athlete Friends for kicking my a$$ every weekend and specifically Wednesday nights! Without yall the blow to a few SoCal male egos would not have been possible!
I believe this ride was by far the most exciting part of the weekend. There was an afternoon of hanging out on a boat, a short cruise around the harbor/bay area followed a serious amount of football watching on sunday!
Overall, I cannot complain! Which i believe is a nice change.

Pictures.....

2006-12-01T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am having a difficult time getting these pics posted on myspace...and some folks have been asking...so here a few updated pics.
Seems the snow found its way to Wisconsin...quite happy to be in San Diego!
Next is Macy (my niece) who seems to be a bit of an exhibitionist; much to my brothers demise.
Next she is tangling herself in my hair. I keep trying to reassure her...one day she too will grow some.

World AIDS Day

2006-12-01T13:07:00.000-08:00

It is World AIDS Day! A time to remember and a time to celebrate. For many years I have been passionatly involved in helping the fight against AIDS. It is a tragic and still often misunderstood disease. On this day please join me in remembering those who have lost the fight, celebrate those who continue to fight, and the many who work tirelessly on helping support people and families affected and still those working to find a cure. I want to send my love to my dear friend, Da Pirate, Fighting 23 years! Of course David. My love goes out to Frank, who lost his fight this spring, and his family! And to the many others I have met over through the years. We must never forget and never give up!

High School and San Diego

2006-11-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

Originally I started the day believing i was going to write about recently having dinner with someone from my highschool class, who happened to be visiting San Diego. Someone that I had not seen in 11 years. But after spending several hours at work, I realized a topic was brought up about negativity and the reason he was looking at leaving the city. Today, it has become clear this is a much more interesting issue that was brought to the surface. Negativity! This person happens to be traveling around a bit to get an idea of other cities and where they might want to live. (I still think San Diego is the best choice!)
But aside from that, during our discussion, I brought up how excited i was to have friends that were excited about their careers, about their work, and their future. Not crying and whining "to fight for the little guy" or that the powers above are in excessive control. But looking at the situations they are faced with everyday and working to the best of their ability to make the best decisions. Brilliant I think! I can admit, I was one of the 'fight for the little guys' until recently.
It is one thing to complain about the status quo. Maybe things could be better. However if you dont do anything to change the status quo or your relationship to the status quo - what right do you have to complain everyday!
It is a similar idea to those who do not vote, but yet feel they have the right to bitch and moan about those in office.
Apparently this was part of his motivation in moving. It seems more often than not this is the situation in our home town. A lot of people are unhappy with the status quo, but no one is looking to change their relationship to it. There are a few exceptions to this rule and you can find us scattered all over the United States! Looking for change, looking for happiness, looking for the path to all things better!

Will it ever end?

2006-11-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

I think the world is out to get me. But still I try and have faith. I woke up early this morning (like 440am) straightened up my living room and kitchen. Got some bills together, took care of some paper work, Bundled it all up to take to work to mail. Took out the trash. Cleaned the trash from my car. And I am even wearing a skirt today. So far I continue to have the faith it is going to be a good day. I have to admit, I have no freaking idea why!
Oh and I have all my workout gear to swim and take a spinning class after work!
i think it stems from my behavior that no matter how many times I am told dont touch the stove it is hot, I have to touch it anyway. So maybe it is like that. No matter how many times I am getting beaten down and it seems some greater power is telling me you are one of those unlucky individuals. I think tomorrow will be a better day. Perhaps I am just naive!

Clearly I am not in Texas anymore!

2006-11-19T13:03:00.000-08:00

Clearly I am not in Texas anymore! My sunday morning training ride, consisted of hills hills and than some flat (lots more flat). Unfortunately what goes down, must go up at some point and sure enough....the entire route back, was not nearly as much fun as the ride to the beach! But one thing I could not do in Texas, ride from what are considered large hills...down to the ocean! It is a nice reminder why i pay so much for rent! Sadly though the 33 mile ride, (however made one or two wrong turns) turned only into 35, but still took me around two hours. hmmmm a little different than texas riding times. but considering the climbs and how i wanted to vomit on the top of the hills...i am proud that I managed to drag my butt out and ride this morning. However, I am beginning to wonder if I have it in me for the half ironman. Well before I make that decision I will attempt a few more rides. Here is a link to the map and elevation of what I biked today! Here is another link to the route i was considering. I dont know if I would have survived it. Maybe next weekend. oh - note on the links, takes a while for the maps to populate the routes. If the elevation does not appear, on the right is an option to turn elevation on. Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Tolerance and Dating

2006-11-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

Tolerance is important to all aspects of our life. It is important that as people we are tolerant of other peoples opinions, whether we agree or not. Tolerant of race, religion, etc. Tolerant of the annoying people in parking lots...that insist on taking up more than one space. But when do we draw the line? When is it ok to be intolerant. Clearly the law has many limits to the legal tolerance of our actions. What about when it is with someone else? Someone that you want to believe you have some relationship with? When is ok....to set the limit on tolerance, break the silence and finally ask...are we exclusive?
This certainly sets an entire conversation into motion, that could either result in one good outcome but there are so many potential bad ones! Still sometimes, it is better not to know the truth.
So while it eats in my mind, I don't think I am ready to quite have the conversation. Maybe some well pointed probing questions will help get the answers I am looking for.
So wish me luck on my weekend adventures. hopefully no brake light issues this weekend!

Rain in San Diego?

2006-11-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

Yes it is true, it rains in San Diego! I would not have believed it myself unless I witnessed it, but this morning on my drive to work, it began to rain! I didnt know it was possible. Proof positive anything is possible.
Its been a difficult couple of days. Somehow i found myself feeling lower than the dirt stuck to the gum on the bottom of a homeless guy's shoe.
While i have been either looking for a time machine to change things, or a cliff to leap from; I am convinced I will have better luck finding a cliff in So Cal. But realize neither option is very good.
So i will continue to find a way to face each new day and remember, it could always be worse. I could still be living in texas!

Could it be love?

2006-11-09T01:08:00.000-08:00

a friend of mine asked me about love today. i didnt know i was the right person to answer her questions. But she wanted to know, could it be love? well i said, it could always be love, but for me it is hard to ever understand when someone figures out when they are in love and how do you define love? I know i am the last person to say i know, with experience, what to look for. but she was convinced it must be love. i asked how could it possibly be love, she answered... he knows me. with that simple reply how could I argue. what more could one want than someone that truly and honestly knows and accepts you. So often those around us, just play games. Portray what they believe we want. Or what they were taught. Maybe looking for the next meal ticket, warm bed, or parking space. Life is truly crazy! and for my friend all i can say is to watch out for the evils that lurk behind the heart.

No wonder I get along with my cats so well

2006-11-08T08:33:00.000-08:00

You Are: 20% Dog, 80% Cat

You are are almost exactly like a cat.
You're intelligent, independent, and set on getting your way.
And there's no way you're going to fetch a paper for anyone!

Are You More Cat or Dog?

Super Aunt, Creepy Cousins, and Mourning

2006-11-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

I have never had an issue facing death before. Sadly I have had to face a fair amount in my 29 years and it has never been as difficult as it was to face my grandfather. Maybe it is the memories of my grandmother passing are too fresh or maybe the memories of the ex with me at my grandmother's funeral are too fresh, or still it could be that I do not want to admit a generation is passing.
I have never been good with accepting aging, growing old, and my own death. Pretty much 'I never wanna grow up, I wanna be a toys r us kid'.
It is difficult to describe the atmosphere this past thursday - all the players were the same, minus one or two here and there. Everyone stood in the same place talked to the same people and from what i could tell were having nearly the same conversations.
i sat uncomfortably in a highbacked chair off to the side watching. I saw my grandfather in the casket and i couldnt go near. With my grandmother I walked in, said my good-byes and continued to visit with family. This time.....in avoidance I took over as super aunt helping my brother watch Macy.
As I chased after Macy past my grandfather I focused all my attention on her, I couldnt look over my shoulder. I couldnt see his face.
I was too afraid to cry, I had no idea once i started if I would be able to stop. So this is the way the entire afternoon played out. Macy ran, I chased. I avoided most family (afraid they would ask the dreaded questions) and selectively chose my conversations. On occasion Macy chose them for me.
She continued to run about for the afternoon capturing everyone's attention and by the end of the day, my heart. How is it possible, bitter Audrey went to super aunt Audrey? I ask that too...but I remember the moment. My brother (holding Macy), myself and a cousin (but not one of the creepy ones). In the middle of our conversation, Macy looked over, saw me and reached out to me. My brother stunned as much as I was, handed her over to me and we were together for the better part of the afternoon/evening.
I think it was the first moment when i was able to experience her ability to recognize me. Thus, Super Aunt was born that day.
On to the creepy cousins.
Every family has one or two.
Ours apparently has two and they are brothers i believe. Never met these two before my grandmothers funeral. At least not that I remember.
I am not particularly sure of their names, but they are possibly in their early to mid 40's?
On the last meeting, they left me alone as I had the ex by my side. This time from the moment they walked in the door - they began hitting any woman in their path, me included. I ignored them as I chased Macy around everyone's legs. Later they learned who my father was and quickly backed away. However, my poor aunt had to suffer between the two during the dinner. My deepest sympathies Jean.
Is it even possible to get through a family affair without a creepy relative or two appearing?
Ah, but their stories are quite fascinating. tales of drugs, police, crimes, and their FBI connection? WOW imaginative! At least they left the white sports coat at home this time.However, the stories will never compare to tax evasion and Panama, but they rank in a high second place!
In a wrap up, I hope super aunt stays around, i liked that side (even i was surprised to find it existed). No worries, she didnt change my mind enough to think children will ever be a good idea in my life.
Well, there will always be creepy family members. At least they give us good conversation and entertaining memories.
Finally, I dont know if I will ever come to terms with what has happened. I know it wont be anytime soon. I fear opening the flood gates of tears. I am not sure what the tears will even be over. I just know I have cried enough in the recent past to last a few months.

46 Hours to Wisconsin and Back

2006-11-03T15:56:00.000-08:00

I will have to say this had to be the fastest trip to Wisconsin and back! My brother, Macy, and myself landed in Milwaukee and 3 pm on Wednesday afternoon and were gone by 7 am today(friday). Is that even 46hours? I am so tired and my calculations I believe are a bit off. I am still whirling around in emotion and exhaustion. I just wanted to get an update posted. Hopefully more will follow soon, there is a lot to say. However, i am on my way to get my mother from the airport for a weekend visit, that had been planned for months! I already cant wait until next weekend to relax!

And than he was gone.....

2006-10-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

It was about 11:15pm(pst) on saturday night when I saw my mother was calling. I knew it could not be good news. Any phone call my mom is making at 1:15am (cst) is not going to be bearing good news. I didnt even have to say hello, ask, i just heard the crying echoing behind her voice and i knew, his fight was finally over. I am not sure fight is the correct word. I think he was fighting life. After losing his wife in spring, knowing his cancer was back, and simply being 90 years old...you cant really blame him.
I am not sure what has me more upset, losing my grandfather, losing my last grandparent, or realizing it is now my parents - who are the oldest generation; they are the grandparents.
Like my grandfather expressed many times, i too fear death. What will happen, will i know, what will i feel, what will i miss etc. But now i am afraid to face the idea of losing my parents. I cant imagine a day without them. But for all the days inbetween, i will be certain to enjoy them more.
Life really is a gift to us all - it is sad that all the daily bullshit overtakes us; we forget some of the most important things of just enjoying those around us.

My New Best Friend

2006-10-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

I didnt understand before, but now I get it! After finishing my third scheduled swim workout for the week. Let me first take you through the workout.
warmup: 100 swim, 100 kick w/fins, 200 pull (repeat)
intervals: 6x50 :10 second rest between
8 min swim :30 second rest
8 min swim w/ fins :30 second rest
8 min swim :30 second rest
4 min swim w/fins :30 second rest
:60 second rest
300 swim :30 second rest
200 swim :30 second rest
1 x 100 :30 second rest
Cool Down: 300 pull bouy.
Well...for anyone that didnt know - 3 years ago swimming a 400 was a feat! Something when I managed to accomplish i was quite proud of myself! So this workout - 3 times this week. Even I am shocked at my swimming. But thanks to my great coach, heather, who got me started I have managed to make it through.
The second piece to this story is the bike accident I had 1 year ago. I crashed on my left side on mile 3 of a 300+ mile ride. Brilliant. This accident left me with a bone spur on my hip and apparantly some shoulder pain on my left side.
This pain is has become more apparant over the last year as i have continued to push my swimming.
Finally this week I had enough of trying to balance icepacks on my shoulder and thought back to how my old roommate would come home with ice wrapped to her shoulders with saran wrap or hanging out with a cooler pumping cold water over her shoulder! How jealous I am now of not having those options and thats when i found this

Yes it is as fantastic as it looks! Now my evenings are filled with workouts - icing my hip and shoulder. I am a wreck and only 29!

It wasn't him I loved, but what he represented

2006-10-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

Death always makes people think. This week my grandfather took a turn for the worst and is facing his last days. I wont lie, i am sad; however he is old - 90! Since my grandmother passed in spring he has been miserable. You cant really blame him. Than the selfish side of audrey took over as panic suddenly rushed over me? Panic? Not of facing my own death, but of facing my family...post breakup. I cant explain, when I appear with a boyfriend, my entire family views me differently. I am given significantly more respect. This was the case in May. I went to my grandmothers funeral with my now ex. For the first time in a long time, my family not only liked the person i brought home, but showed me respect. Sadly the panic i felt was a result of realizing not only was i facing family alone, i would have to face them post break up and explain. This is when the respect begins to fly out the door and I pour myself another glass of wine. This is when it dawned on me....I dont think I was in love with him, but the idea of him. There were things from the beginning i kept overlooking, because I realized for the first time I was entering into a reasonably steady relationship! Singleton life was over. However, i was overlooking a myriad of things that bothered me in order to be respected. I clearly never saw it at the time I thought I was making acceptable compromises - after all that is what one does in a relationship. Right? I am certain that is the case, but i realize you should not compromise yourself in the process. Soon I will be facing my family alone, losing respect with each mention of the breakup, but gaining my self-respect back with each ticking second of the day.

Sugoi saves the day!

2006-10-17T20:50:00.000-07:00

For weeks I have been trying to figure out where my comfort zone is in San Diego. Yes, I have found a Friday night hangout with some friends. I have the local Albertsons and Target mastered - the escalator still freak me out a bit and that is just the beginning. The differences in location never seem to end. Everything from 6 lanes of traffic - each direction - at insane speeds on what locals will call 'hills'. I do not even dress the same. Work it is more business than casual. Texas it was definitely more casual than business. But this weekend I had a chance to recognize a part of me that I have been missing. Biker Audrey.
With one leg just barely in my favorite Sugoi cycling shorts, I knew this was going to be a great ride! By time I had the shorts on and my favorite jersey, for that hour of riding - I knew exactly who i was! Biker Audrey. She is kind of a fun, slightly arrogant person on the bike. Certainly a side I have missed!
I did not let the 'hills' intimidate me. You could say i road like the wind. Or something close. But within the 90% polyester and 10% Spandex I felt no pain in my legs. I had no fear of the climbs and embraced the downhills and I nearly reached 50mph! It was so much fun, I climbed it again just to go back and down and try to break 50! it didnt happen. Braking seemed like a better choice. but for that hour, everything seemed to make sense!

Take Two

2006-10-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

For the few who read my previous blog it was my attempt to keep friends/family up to date with training for a half ironman, well most of you know I failed miserably. Not only at the training portion but the blogging as well! I thought I would try again. This time not focus on the training, but yes I am starting to train for a half again. Instead focus on where I fit in San Diego. More importantly find the answer to the how is it i have everything I wanted....Degree, New Job, Transfer to San Diego, and to be single again (secretly I wanted that too..but it does hurt to admit it outloud). But I am not happy! hmmm they are not lying when they say 'the grass is not always greener on the other side' Though i am pretty sure it stays green here all year! I am also certian the words will not be brilliant, possibly a bit boring and foolish at times. However it seems I need outlets for my stress and I know I enjoy reading other peoples blogs, i thought I would give it another shot.